When I was a kid, I didn’t really know what is the difference between these two terms:
“leaving behind” and “being left.”
But now, I realized those words imply really different meanings, not only on their grammatical, but more than that.

When I was leaving my parents to go to another town to study 6 years ago, for example, I felt sad at the first time but then the excitement to meet new people, to have new experiences, made me forgot about the gloomy feeling.
But not with my parents, especially my mom. They were really happy of course because I was accepted in one of the best university in Indonesia, but 2 hours after I announced it to them, I found my mom stood alone looking outside through the window at night.

I came to her and she wiped her tears quickly. When I asked why she was crying, she said that she was sad because she felt I will leave her alone,
“all this time, you’re not only my daughter but also my best friend.. And I don’t know with whom I can share my feeling and story if you’re so far away from me.”
Then she hugged me. Oh how I love my mom. And I’m so sorry for leaving you again now.

Or when my dad gave me his first permit to stay overnight at my best friend’s house when I was 15 years old. He was so sad and I was confused why. And after that I knew that he acted like that because he felt that I was leaving him behind, his daughter isn’t a little girl anymore. Now ‘she’ can go somewhere alone, ‘she’ doesn’t scared of a lot of things, and my dad doesn’t need to hold ‘her’ hand everyday like he used to do all this time.

When my best friend, Ida said she would get married soon, I felt she was leaving me behind. Not because I was envy, but I was scared she would have no time for me and all her best friends (yes, I’m a jealous-best-friend type. Hahaha). And it happened. She didn’t have time for us anymore because she was busy preparing this and that. But instead of being mourned and dejected, me and my other best friends tried to offer our help to her and made her envy with our new group pictures. Hahaha.

Or when Niken, my other best friend, moved to Singapore. I was crying like a baby in airport bus, even though I knew I would meet her again a month later. But the feeling that I couldn’t call her anytime I want or it would be really expensive if I go to Singapore every time I miss her were exist. We used to be together when we were in the university, even my friends said,
“if you see Niken, then you can find Nyanya there..”
We were inseparable before. And it get worse when I moved to Italy. She screamed on phone begging me not to leave Indonesia. Hahaha.

When I’m leaving someone or something behind me, I would feel really sad of course, but then I will feel so excited facing new days in front of me.
But when I’m in the position as a person who’s being left, the sadness comes and I really want to tie that person so they can’t go anywhere or still stay the same. And get worse when my brain plays me with its devil words,
“what if he/she will change and things won’t be the same again?”

So is it harder being the leaver or being left?  I think being left for sure.

And from now, I promise I will be nicer with people when I’m in the position of being a leaver. And I hope any person who’ll leave me can also be ‘kind’ to me.

Anyhow,

it scares me enough.